A Beacon of Hope, that's me

I am a freakin' beacon! That's what someone said all - because of roundness in the middle... more precisely this acquaintance, a very nice woman whom I meet occasionally in the hall or bathroom, said I looked beautiful, and that I was a beacon of hope. Very kind, it's so interesting what people have to say about pregnancy, and what value they put on it. People like to touch me, and I think it's essentially a good luck thing for them, or as someone said, a communication with the universal/mystical. Intriguing, I'm a channel, a vessel, a medium, I got it all..

(This reminds me that I am the world's biggest cryer when it comes to other people's pregnancies.. tell me that X-who-I-met-once-three-years-ago, is pregnant, and my eye moistens. But I never felt that sentimental about myself, I think I was guarded about it for quite a while, as I feared miscarriage or disability, and didn't want to commit to the poor bump till I felt sure of it's staying power. Now it is so obviously alive - kicking, fattening me up, it is much easier to love, than when all I felt was mildly flu-y.. Is that callous?)

In other news, I am wearing a lovely ensemble of slimming black t-shirt and pants - all pregnancy and a striped pink cardigan. My mom gave me that cardy three months ago and it was too big, so I put it aside.. now it's too small! And my pants are too big.. I have an old man shuffle and it's not because of the weight, it's because my pants are too low.. You have to plan for so many clothing intervals, it's mental. I seem to have a two week period for clothes- you know how baby stuff is 1-3 months? My clothes should be "25-27 weeks".. Luckily, four kind friends have given me clothes and they are all different shapes, so I seem to be managing to find clothes that fit. I have four pairs of jeans and probably 7 pairs of black pants! That's more pants than I've ever had before... I guess I just have to file them all by weekly period now..

I love the hand-me-down second-hand nature of pregnancy and baby clothes.. It's great. I love wearing clothes my fashionable friends and sister wore, and I love the fact that my baby will have pre-worn clothes, a nice connection with the other babies, it's future friends.. I don't want people to spend $20 on a baby T-shirt that will be work only once or twice.. The coolest thing I have is an orange and black jumpsuit that I wore as a baby, my sister wore, and my niece wore.. the 70s ride again..

October, a bad month OTOH me

Do you ever feel tired and your eyes start to bug out, and your body is weary and complaining?

I am tired, in some ways it has been a hard month. It started with a meeting in Regina where my hotel room was robbed and neither my employer nor the hotel will pay for me to replace my passport/keys/camera -s some $350 in total. (WARNING: Do not stay in the Ramada. They are unhelpful, rude, and refuse to pay for thefts that occur inside their locked rooms.) I wasn't that traumatized by the robbery, but the huge effort (2-3 days and lots of e-mails, calls,etc) to get a new passport, keys, etc, and try to get some one to pay for this stuff has been exhausting.

Then I have had weird very painful cramps, that seem to be no-serious and related to my uterus/tummy/mid-section growing at what can only be described as a crazy rate.

Then I was in fury with my boss, unable to even look at him for two weeks because of some highly inappropriate things he said at a meeting (including that he was the father of my child!). That has now been resolved with a seemingly abject apology on his part (although of course he can't remember saying such a thing..), and a recognition a) that I can't be expected to do so much work (currently doing 2 people's jobs) and b) that I should be able to work from home if feeling sick.

Plus, my major project at work is in major disarray, a product of me having too much other work, changing guidelines that we became aware of three months into a 5 month project, and all the other stuff...

So in summary, robbery, sickness, pissed-off ness, work foul-up, and of course the ordinary pregnancy tiredness.. October, a bad month.

I did go to a great wedding of an old friend, hung out with great friends in the cool spots of the grand metropolis, Toronto, and also spent the weekend with one of my oldest friends and her 4 year old and one year old, where I learned the brutal reality of childcare. Every time the (lovely and usually well behaved kids) acted up, her husband would look at me and laugh and say 'there no going back, you're past the point of no return'... hmmm. Two kids seems definitely to be more than twice the work of one.. I better see if I can cope with one before planning another..

Also, have been enjoying the weather change (okay perhaps not the rain) and staying home having delicious meals cooked by the charming hubbie, who has been looking after me very well in moy not-so-delicate state. So, perhaps there have been saving graces in October after all.

P.S. what the mofo is OTOH? Every time I mistakenly type "to" as "ot" the spellcheck wants me to type "OTOH", and then gets all pissy when I override it to type "to"..

to blog or not to blog, that was the question

I was biking here today thinking about my blog, and liking the anonymity of it all, and then wondering why I bothered to have it all, given that I had told no one about it, not even the beau or oldest friends... I decided it was like a journal but a lot tidier than my own horrible handwriting, and cooler looking than a Word file, and there was always the chance that someone unknown to me would stumble across it and like it.. I admit that I wanted the stumbler to be the type of person who would be likely to like it, not a person who would find me to be a self-indulgent, self-centred bad-mother-in-the-making. I also liked the idea that because the site may be read I have to edit myself a bit more, be less sloppy on the style, be less bitchy, be less likely to type Things I Will Regret.

Then, however, I got in and realized I had outed myself by posting to Pamusement and thus leaving an easy e-trail back to myself.. (really I know nothing about blogs, e-trails and all that stuff)when I started this whole shebang it was because I wanted to post to Hadeel's site, but couldn't seem to do it anonymously (again another obvious admission of computer incompetence).. Anyhow, I'm out, I've outed myself as a blogger, wow I feel all nekked and all..

That said, it was fun to get comments from my buddies, glamorous, active, activist women of the NCR, thanks to youse all.. and no Accidental Altruist you are not guilty at all of proferring unsought advice (although I have sought advice from you.. a totally different thing..) P.S. Hadeel I heard your voice on CBC this morning!

Firsts and Lasts

This is a time of firsts and lasts. First moving of baby, first kicks, first bizarre painful but not so serious cramps that the midwife describes as 'weird', first experience of heartburn, first super-cute baby clothes (actually not-so-first as the best ones were worn by me in 1970!), first trying-on (I haven't yet dare wear) of pants with elastic panel up front. Last camping trip for a long time (fabulous trip on Thanksgiving weekend), last run (a long long time ago- the Half-Marathon when I was unknowingly pregnant), last sip of wine without baleful glance from judgmental so and so's, last wearing of many cool clothes (for a while at least).

I think that being pregnant, and more importantly going through labour is in some ways akin to losing your virginity. Before you lose your virginity it seems that the world is divided into virgins and non-virgins, and you can't really imagine what sex will feel like. Now it seems that the world is divided into those who have given birth (or attended at a birth) and those like me who haven't. There is a knowing tone to people's advice, a sense that I won't get it till I've done it.

The big difference between delivering and virginity is of course that people have way more sex than they do babies, but rarely talk about it, let alone proffer advice based on their own experience. Sometimes I feel like saying, 'you only had one (or two, or three) deliveries, you are not an expert! everything that happened to you could be down to chance, genetics, etc. It's anecdotal, man, anecdotal.'

What else to say? The weird cramps, like terrible menstrual cramps, came twice and then went away, and don't really correspond to either contractions or Braxton-Hicks. The first time I thought it was a miscarriage, but it wasn't, hamidullah. I am feeling el roundo, but then of course it depends on my clothes. Sometimes I like looking preggos, sometimes not, there seems to be an odd competitiveness about staying small.

I do feel that the baby/fetus is in control of my body, not me. I have surrendered control (actually not even a chance to surrender, control was taken from me), and now control only input. I am the vessel, and a small self interested pilot has commandeered me. Not to complain of course, it's kind of fun, in our control-seeking world it's a good lesson. Just like my glancing experience with severe back pain ( again caused by pregnancy) made me realize how those living with chronic pain/disability must have to learn a whole new balance with their bodies.