Firsts and Lasts

This is a time of firsts and lasts. First moving of baby, first kicks, first bizarre painful but not so serious cramps that the midwife describes as 'weird', first experience of heartburn, first super-cute baby clothes (actually not-so-first as the best ones were worn by me in 1970!), first trying-on (I haven't yet dare wear) of pants with elastic panel up front. Last camping trip for a long time (fabulous trip on Thanksgiving weekend), last run (a long long time ago- the Half-Marathon when I was unknowingly pregnant), last sip of wine without baleful glance from judgmental so and so's, last wearing of many cool clothes (for a while at least).

I think that being pregnant, and more importantly going through labour is in some ways akin to losing your virginity. Before you lose your virginity it seems that the world is divided into virgins and non-virgins, and you can't really imagine what sex will feel like. Now it seems that the world is divided into those who have given birth (or attended at a birth) and those like me who haven't. There is a knowing tone to people's advice, a sense that I won't get it till I've done it.

The big difference between delivering and virginity is of course that people have way more sex than they do babies, but rarely talk about it, let alone proffer advice based on their own experience. Sometimes I feel like saying, 'you only had one (or two, or three) deliveries, you are not an expert! everything that happened to you could be down to chance, genetics, etc. It's anecdotal, man, anecdotal.'

What else to say? The weird cramps, like terrible menstrual cramps, came twice and then went away, and don't really correspond to either contractions or Braxton-Hicks. The first time I thought it was a miscarriage, but it wasn't, hamidullah. I am feeling el roundo, but then of course it depends on my clothes. Sometimes I like looking preggos, sometimes not, there seems to be an odd competitiveness about staying small.

I do feel that the baby/fetus is in control of my body, not me. I have surrendered control (actually not even a chance to surrender, control was taken from me), and now control only input. I am the vessel, and a small self interested pilot has commandeered me. Not to complain of course, it's kind of fun, in our control-seeking world it's a good lesson. Just like my glancing experience with severe back pain ( again caused by pregnancy) made me realize how those living with chronic pain/disability must have to learn a whole new balance with their bodies.