It looks like I might have a moment to write.. alone-time is so scarce nowadays, I think I get 30 minutes a day - morning shower, and evening bath. Of course I get quiet time when out for walks or when he's asleep, but being alone is rare. On the weekends I do get an hour or two here or there, and of course my lovely weekly swim while a kind friend takes him. Martin is off work as of June so my horizons will change then! but the three hour leash of breast-feeding will still be there.

He's sleepy the last few days, after weeks of being asleep only 10-12 hours a day (as opposed to average of 14-18). He may be asleep in his crib right now, a major milestone for me -yesterday he slept on my lap at this time for two hours and he looked as uncomfortable (head cricked off at crazy angle that he kept insisting on returning to) as I felt. My hand (already suffering from repetitive motion strain from compressing my breast- how about that for a workplace injury?) was killing me..

tarnation.. he just woke up! only half an hour..

8 weeks today

Wow, I went swimming today and thought: 8 weeks ago it was winter, and at this very time of the day, I was going into labour to deliver the Baby (isn't that weird, I have a baby).. and now I am swimming, almost back to my old body (this body held a baby, crazy to think it), while a friend looks after my baby (my baby, I have a freaking' baby) at home.. did I mention I have a baby now?

6.5 weeks -is it my imagination or are things getting easier?

We went to a baby shower last night and Jack behaved very well- just cuddled with various adoring women and left - without a 'top-up feed' and didn't cry in the car either. Wow.

When we went out on Sunday night to a dinner party, I fed him before we left at 5:30, at 7 at the party, and then (after he cried for about 15 minutes and could not be consoled by Martin, myself or an experienced mother) again at 8.. hmm, not so fun for me (constant feeding) or for the other guests (squalling)..

Yesterday I went for a walk for over an hour and he slept/lay awake perfectly..

Now he is asleep in the Baby Bjorn on my chest.. so lovely.

things are good. Touch (lots of firm, durable) wood.

How the days pass..

1. Feeding Jack (sometimes reading or listening to radio at the same time)
2. Changing diapers- often followed by some massage/letting him lie there as he loves his diaper table- I think it's the mirror beside it
3. Computer while he sleeps - can get on for up to an hour a day
4. Walking, while he sleeps, lies in an alert state or screams
5. Talking on the phone - daily call from my mother and many others, some to other mothers of infants
6. Seeing friends - either those with babies or those in the other world
7. Pacing the floor/stairs trying to settle Jack
8. Sitting happily on the couch as he sleeps or looks out the window

Technologies that I love..

the Baby Bjorn- so much easier on the back than a sling, and the baby is cuddled right on your chest

the bouncy chair- I get to eat lunch with two hands

new style cotton diapers - all snaps, so much easier than those old square nappies

new style of soothers/pacifiers/dummies/mumbles.. have a hinge so you can put them down and not get them dirty! how clever

Before Jack, After Jack- 5.5 weeks

He is, touch wood, settling down a bit, still fussy at times but mostly good.. We did have a very hurried departure from a bar followed by a 15 minute walk with a screaming baby (holy 'walk of shame' - you feel like everyone is judging you!) but since then his evening fuss has been shorter.. More fixable with breastfeeding and other tricks, for example, this exercise below..

A friend showed me this 'exercise' which she said 'babies love' - basically pushing their feet up so their knees go up to their tummies.. when I did it on Jack he farted repeatedly! I found it funny that she hadn't mentioned WHY babies love this move..

He is starting to smile so I am feeling more of a reward.. Definitely my relationship to him is changing, at first it just seemed like I had this imperative to Be A Good Mother, and that was hard, but also good, because I just HAD to feed him all the time, hold him all the time, and still be patient, loving, cuddly with him, no matter how exhausted I was.. Sometimes social expectations/sanction can be helpful..

Now I feel like I get more back from him.. Lots of smiles and he is so lovely and warm and gorgeous.. Evolution is very crafty my dears.. we are programmed to look after the little helpless ones because they are so damn cute.

My mum said 'doesn't it feel like he's always been here?' and I said 'no, it feels like he got here 4 weeks and 3 days ago'.. Anyhow there is a definite life before/life after in my mind...

I wanted so much to Not Change, still go out/do things, but it is hard to be Miss Super Cool Yummy Mummy, at all the parties with cuddly baby in tow, when you are tired, the baby is potentially grousy and parents a-jitter with fear that the baby will squall.

I am kind of enjoying being home and incredibly quiet for the first time in my life.. I have never been so alone/ apart from other adults, and most importantly adult conversation, before. The CBC and the phone are my lifelines, but I am often very happy just to sit with the boy.