Before Jack, After Jack- 5.5 weeks

He is, touch wood, settling down a bit, still fussy at times but mostly good.. We did have a very hurried departure from a bar followed by a 15 minute walk with a screaming baby (holy 'walk of shame' - you feel like everyone is judging you!) but since then his evening fuss has been shorter.. More fixable with breastfeeding and other tricks, for example, this exercise below..

A friend showed me this 'exercise' which she said 'babies love' - basically pushing their feet up so their knees go up to their tummies.. when I did it on Jack he farted repeatedly! I found it funny that she hadn't mentioned WHY babies love this move..

He is starting to smile so I am feeling more of a reward.. Definitely my relationship to him is changing, at first it just seemed like I had this imperative to Be A Good Mother, and that was hard, but also good, because I just HAD to feed him all the time, hold him all the time, and still be patient, loving, cuddly with him, no matter how exhausted I was.. Sometimes social expectations/sanction can be helpful..

Now I feel like I get more back from him.. Lots of smiles and he is so lovely and warm and gorgeous.. Evolution is very crafty my dears.. we are programmed to look after the little helpless ones because they are so damn cute.

My mum said 'doesn't it feel like he's always been here?' and I said 'no, it feels like he got here 4 weeks and 3 days ago'.. Anyhow there is a definite life before/life after in my mind...

I wanted so much to Not Change, still go out/do things, but it is hard to be Miss Super Cool Yummy Mummy, at all the parties with cuddly baby in tow, when you are tired, the baby is potentially grousy and parents a-jitter with fear that the baby will squall.

I am kind of enjoying being home and incredibly quiet for the first time in my life.. I have never been so alone/ apart from other adults, and most importantly adult conversation, before. The CBC and the phone are my lifelines, but I am often very happy just to sit with the boy.